Now, just in time for the stressful holiday season, Part 2 gets much more
personal, using as a case study how I undermined a traditional (that is, cross-culturally durable) kinship relationship with 2 "poison-pen" letters. As a scholar who specializes in studying the socioeconomic relationships within and between families, this faux pas (I've linked to the comic strip!) is way past ironic... However, if you are trying to avoid an upcoming family get-together, this would be one way to get yourself "excused" from the festivities!
Of course, the purpose of exploring my various misadventures is for me and my loyal reader to learn valuable lessons from these episodes so as not to repeat them in the present
and future. They are not meant to be merely opportunities to wallow in social squalor (AKA schadenfreude [the link is to a recipe for THE "schadenfreude pie"!]). Nonetheless, the melodramas have a certain titillating appeal, including the ever-popular "And I thought that I was fucked up until I read about YOUR life!"
One could quibble over WHO actually burned this bridge, and HOW/WHEN it was torched... Perhaps the bridge I burned was actually rendered unsafe long before I decided to destroy it; in that case, it was merely the demolition of a death-trap, or a kind of social euthanasia that is not without redeeming qualities! Let each glean whatever insights that they might from these musings...
One could quibble over WHO actually burned this bridge, and HOW/WHEN it was torched... Perhaps the bridge I burned was actually rendered unsafe long before I decided to destroy it; in that case, it was merely the demolition of a death-trap, or a kind of social euthanasia that is not without redeeming qualities! Let each glean whatever insights that they might from these musings...
I assume that the stories that the individuals in my brother’s family tell of this estrangement are very different than the
one I provide here… As Erica Jong notes in her memoir Seducing the Demon: writing for my life, this would be expected. For example, she and her daughter have very
different tales about the actual events surrounding the latter’s
commitment to a rehab facility (pages 242, 243); the mother says that she brought her daughter to the hospital (located in the rural mid-West), while her daughter claims that her mom abandoned her in her moment of need to go hang with "the beautiful people" in Europe! It is not possible for each of these versions to be THE truth. Nonetheless, as Ms. Jong makes clear, both
stories are valid: there is no one TRUTH in actual events involving different individuals, but only various
perspectives that can and should all be told by all of those willing to discuss the
family’s secrets (page 242).
Although stories told by individuals within a family are likely to vary, Ms. Jong and I agree that such stories NEED to be told… She says (page 272), "Writing is not a hostile act but an act of understanding -- even when it's satirical, even when it's bitter." And (on page 138), "I have to release the inhibitions that imprison me. I have to get rid of the voices that urge: Write nice things, don't embarrass the family..." Clearly, I have taken Ms. Jong's writing advice quite literally here.
Although stories told by individuals within a family are likely to vary, Ms. Jong and I agree that such stories NEED to be told… She says (page 272), "Writing is not a hostile act but an act of understanding -- even when it's satirical, even when it's bitter." And (on page 138), "I have to release the inhibitions that imprison me. I have to get rid of the voices that urge: Write nice things, don't embarrass the family..." Clearly, I have taken Ms. Jong's writing advice quite literally here.
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| The author of the best-selling book Fear of Flying (18 million copies in 50-odd languages!) makes it clear in her memoir (page 233) some 3 decades later that "...all autobiography is fiction, and all fiction is autobiography"! |
The bulk of what follows is a reprinting of back-to-back bridge-burning written messages which had the effect of completely severing social relations between my brother and his family on the one side, and me all by my lonesome on the other side. I wrote the first offending letter to my sister-in-law shortly after my mother died, probably during the same week in which I produced my mom's eulogy. The second was a follow-up email message to her husband (my brother), written several weeks later.
These missives are examples of modern “poison-pen” letters (one was delivered by a postal carrier and the other was sent via the Internet to an email Inbox). They were neither anonymous or malicious, but WERE "too frank" for the sensibilities of their recipients and immediate kin. (My brother suggested as much, telling me that he had told his wife that there was some "Truth" in my letter to her, but that the timing and tone put it beyond the pale...) Such letters are a dying art in the “unfriending” Facebook Age. However, both vehicles serve much the same purpose: to foment a social rift so wide that it is unlikely to be repaired. Both letters were condemnations of my sister-in-law's behavior; she is glossed throughout this post as "Rich Bitch" or RB for short (and yes, she actually used to wear a gold necklace with that charming phrase emblazoned on it!). Her cold calculations regarding herself versus others reminds me of the Mary Tyler Moore character in "Ordinary People" (the first 3 minutes of this YouTube clip provide a hint of the shallow narcissism she embodies):
The ceremony and associated festivities of my estranged nephew's wedding have been sardonically referred to within the extended family as “THE royal wedding,” riffing on the contemporaneous international hullabaloo over the nuptials in England of prince William and commoner Kate. This is insightful insider wordplay in that both recent weddings were held by folks with way too much money on their hands, and who feel compelled to provide the masses with “espactaculos” (as my Mexican migrant friends would put it) on par with the infamous bread and circus parties of ancient Rome.
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| Paid for by the taxpaying public, and centuries of serfs, slaves, and colonials... THEY may look stupid, but it's the 99% of the world's 7 billion people that need to get smart! |
Having explained the contexts for the post, without further ado my letter to my brother’s wife:
I hope that you are doing well and feeling better after this trying period of time. I know that you have helped my brother and your kids a lot, and I appreciate that. I also know that you have tried to help the rest of the family...
The sad fact is that I often felt that you actually impeded my ability to do the things that I needed to do during Mom’s illness. I’m sure that you have your own feelings and examples for why things did or didn’t happen; perhaps it will be necessary for you and I to meet in person to discuss all this when I return. However, I decided that the situation for me is such that I had to send you this message now. It is not a lighthearted note, nor should it be taken lightly.
There was a time when I actually felt real affection for you, but that was SO long ago. You and I have discussed some of the events and behaviors before, to little apparent effect as far as I can tell. I could write pages of complaints, but will just offer a few particularly pertinent examples here. Take last Tuesday, when you and your maid came over to clean and set up [4 hours late because you had to go to a luncheon]. I was very busy stupid-vising the tree trimming outside and doing my own work in my room. Nonetheless, you were relentless in your scathing comments about what you considered untidy, cluttered, and tacky conditions in Mom’s home. I know that this is how you feel and have always felt; you usually look pained to even sit down in this house, and have long deigned Mom’s hospitality. Nonetheless, the intensity of your cattiness the other day was such that I became newly incensed. [The fact that you were ordering me around like a servant because YOU were so late in arriving was just the rancid icing on a very stale cake!]
I have to wonder... What happened to the sweet, thoughtful girl my bro dated [in high school]? How did you become such a superficial, high-society caricature? Are all you 90210 matrons this inhumane? Or is it a family influence, since some, but certainly not all, of your family share many of your worst traits? When you talk down to me, other family members, or even wait-staff in a restaurant I loathe myself for even knowing such a shallow and hateful person...
Over the years Mom would beg me [and other family members] not to cause trouble when I had had it with your words and behaviors. She implied tactfully that there might be problems in your marriage, and she didn’t want me or anyone else in the family to add to them in any way. She loved my bro so much that she was willing to put up with all your abuse for 4 decades... Well, I was not, so I tried instead to avoid family gatherings, especially those hosted by you. This is one major reason why I barely know your sons.
Yes, I have just tried for many years to avoid you. The mere prospect of being at the same event with you fills me with dread and makes me sick with stress. It also brings out the absolute worst in me... One particularly “memorable” event was your sons’ Bar Mitzvah [ you know, the one with the "traditional" Lakers' girls in their cheer-leading outfits!]. You were so despicable that my then-wife and I wanted to turn around and leave as soon as we arrived; we made ourselves unavailable to be part of a family photo before the party began because I wanted to do you bodily harm.That’s why we’re not in that photo you asked me about the other day. Indeed, it's just like you to assume that we had been “late”; and, ironic since I’ve never known anyone more chronically tardy than you. Look at my face again in those BM pictures; can’t you see that I only wanted to be a thousand miles away from that place, or more specifically, from you?
Over the years my bro has repeatedly said that he wants a closer relationship amongst us siblings. I can’t speak for my sis, but this is how I feel. Your husband is a decent guy, not without his own faults, but in my opinion a much nicer person than I am (yes, I know only too well that I have my own obvious flaws...). I plan to try to accommodate him, but, now that Mom is gone, I will not hesitate to tell him how I feel about you. If you can’t keep a civil tongue and attitude toward everyone when I am around, then I will merely tell him that I just can’t socialize with his family when you are present. [Now that Mom has died] I won’t take this stress any longer.
So, the decision is entirely up to you. Sincerely, "phdauthor"
As I understand it, Rich Bitch (did you enjoy the lewd music video above?) decided to read the letter aloud to her whole family around the breakfast table! I can only imagine the "reality tv show" quality of her martyrdom, as she read every last word of my poison-pen letter! Anyway, my "decent" bro hit the roof, and when he came back down to earth he chose his wife over his bro (as he had chosen RB over HIS OWN MOTHER during all the years of RB's abuse, outlined in the letter above; for this, HE cannot be forgiven!). He proceeded to make a series of demands on ME (he IS a lawyer, so what can you expect?). The following was my email response:
Dear "Bro":
Dear "Bro":
I have thought a great deal about many things since last Sunday’s visit. I have reread my letter to RB, considered all that you had to say, and mulled over many other issues, some of which you know much about and others that no one can imagine but me. I have also had a 2-hour talk with a therapist, and plan to pursue several avenues in that realm in the hopes of gaining further insight and maybe even self-improvement. All of the above was/is in my own self-interest, since I have problems that go far beyond the current situation with [your wife,] RB. Therefore, I can’t obsess on this situation too much longer.
I currently do not want to even see RB, let alone talk or apologize to her. Just contemplating further interactions with RB makes me feel physically ill. While I am sorry that you, your sons, and others are upset, hurt, and/or angry about the content, tone, timing, and/or etc., of my letter [to her], for me it was a personal liberation after decades of bottled up emotions. Perhaps I only feel this way because I am a really sick individual; indeed, I told you some time ago that I know that I am. Perhaps some day I’ll get better and regret, maybe for the rest of my life, the decision I’m making now. Unfortunately, I can only go by how I feel and what I think now.
I have no desire to attend holiday get-togethers at this time. The intense period of familial interaction during Mom’s illness was very difficult for me, and I want to be alone as much as possible, focusing on my own problems. So you and sis needn’t have any issues about who to invite to what; I don’t want to participate in any of these festivities. I’ve been very uncomfortable in such situations for a long time, and nowadays get physically ill at the thought of going to them. As I mentioned to you, I felt this way before [sister's son’s] recent Halloween party, and this obviously had nothing to do with RB; indeed, it has everything to do with me...
In regard to “business” related to Mom’s house, you should feel free to contact me in regard to any issue, or to come over whenever you need to. When you, RB and/or sis decide to either sell or lease the house, just let me know and I’ll move out. Until then I will probably remain here, though I definitely won’t remain beyond next summer. Of course I’ll let you know in advance of any decision I make regarding that. Sincerely, "phdauthor"
Postscript: while I wouldn't recommend that anyone emulate this case study (indeed, it is meant as a precautionary tale of behavior that is likely to lead to social shunning), it IS pretty much GUARANTEED to eliminate unwanted familial obligations, such as participation in “THE royal" event (wedding, baby shower, baptism, bar mitzvah, quinceanos, confirmation, graduation, etc.) that most relatives have to endure from some social climbing nouveau riche members of the family at some point in every generation... (And good luck with THAT!)
Finally, I am increasingly convinced that this was one bridge that had suffered decades of vandalism, and that the arsonist might have had some pretty compelling reasons for burning down such a twisted and perilous wreak. However, as hinted at above, I think that I took the worst case scenario (above) and applied it to virtually all of my kinship relations, leaving me a voluntary orphan in regard to family, and even extended it to most friendships, which I am too quick to dispose of whenever the challenges to reciprocity threaten my too simplistic point of view. Indeed, the primary reason that I began this blog was to reevaluate, redeem, and respect those relationships which ARE worth the efforts, even at some small cost to my egotistical "freedom" of action, thoughts, and feelings. Wish ME luck with THAT!
